The origin of negation

Okay, his journal will be closed tomorrow night. If you wanna add the other one, go ahead: guilt_on_skin

Ciao!

So. Time for a new journal. This is just BLAH. I could add all of you, and I would like to, but I'm giving you the chance to add me if you want. No hard feelings if you don't. So yeah. guilt_on_skin. How very original...

In other news. The boy I was talking about in the last post? Yep, he's coming to visit. Benny is very excited. Yuppi.

Carry on.

I receieved this letter from a guy a met in the Rehab Center. It felt like... looking to the reflection of my eyes in liquid.

Everything he told me in eleven pages is everything I been feeling for the last month or so. He was my only friend there, one that knew how it felt to try and kill yourself only to wake up to an even more fucked up reality than before. Is like... when your life only matters to someone else and the only reason you are here is because of that person, well, you know you are in trouble.

Suicide attempts are overrated anyway.

The only thing I learnt from that is the self-destruction is the only way you can really found a way to start all over again. When you hit bottom and find yourself with nothing to loose cause you are nothing and the only thing that is tangible in your life is that void, then you know that there is nothing that can hurt you no more. And I kinda like it that way.

Be the person behind the person, behind the camera, behind the script, behind the pain. Behind the darkness.

Yes, I'm stabilized, but that does not mean that it is any better, it just a stage in which the rest of the world feels more comfortable to look at you cause 'there's nothing wrong with you anymore.' But what they don't understand is that what it's wrong is not a state of mind, is has nothing to do with chemicals in your brain or how many razorblade marks you have on your wrists, or how much Xanax you took with a bottle of vodka. The thing that is wrong is just how many times you have to tap the water or whichever liquid your are seeing your eyes in, to create tiny distortion waves and give artificial emotion to your dead eyes. Thank God I still see one tiny bit of emotion in my brown ones.

Because the only thing that really stinks is when something rottens without knowing the reason why. The only thing that stinks is a walking dead. And after just looking in my eyes and reading for the millionth time one single phrase in that letter... maybe, just maybe, there is still something in me that is not rotten. And I'm okay with it.

A 'maybe' is always better than an affirmation.

Long hiatus.

My sickness is getting out of hand and I just being diagnosed with something else. Cannot afford to hide in the realm of the net. I'll be getting on MSN from time to time, so if you want to keep contact, leave me your e-mail address (comments are screened) and I should add you. If you don't, well, I have no clue when I'll talk to you again.

Take care. Benny.

Blah. Depression is coming back and I don't feel like do something about it. Just went by a rather harsh maniac episode, no self-harm involved. Well, just the emotional type. Honestly? I'm not strong enough at the moment. So yeah. Welcome back motherfucker.